Paper Scratches

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-23T10:24:00

2009-12-23T15:24:17Z

gray lazy eye.

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-22T15:58:00

2009-12-22T20:58:53Z

i didnt get a black eye,
or a bloody nose,
fuck.

miss you.

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-19T04:21:00

2009-12-19T09:21:16Z

my conversations with people have been interesting.
but everything has just reminded me of our mortality.
charles bukowski's last completed novel was pulp.

a detective story in which the dick solves his cases by waiting it out.
science fiction comes into play.
and we explore the lazy, lowlife, lethargic, alcoholic, cracked out lifestyles of LA.

he showed signs of delusion.
the mind deteriorating.

i really want to disappear off the map.
live in big sur.
live in redwood national park.
live in a national park.

just disappear.

i've lost everything.
or what i think is everything,
but im starting to be happy.

people think that im an asshole.
i think im a son of a bitch.
im also a mother fucker.
but i think im finally happy with myself.

i've lost.
but i left with confidence.

at least i can walk into defeat with my head up high now.

goodbye everyone.

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-19T00:43:00

2009-12-19T05:43:01Z

dear roxy's friends,

get a life,
and go fuck yourself,
you are out of your element,
roxy and i are great freinds.

love,
errol

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-18T03:36:00

2009-12-18T08:36:26Z

dear life,

i hate you,
i want to trade.
i dont want mine anymore.
i want to be someone else.

sincerely,
errol.

dance on the moon music video from Spencer Keeton Cunningham on Vimeo.

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-10T03:15:00

2009-12-10T11:15:06Z

im at peace.

my situation isnt any better.
i still miss her.
im still constantly tired.
im still pretty broke.
and who knows what will happen this winter.
but i take confidence in knowing that,
im probably not going to win.
maybe ive gotten used to it.
ive been beaten down,
i don't feel much.

yet i still miss her.
she still makes me smile.

im at peace.
it is a denial form of peace.
but the thought of her makes it peaceful.
i miss you.

thank you bob dylan.

i guess i'll do what i do best.
paint.
smoke.
bowl.

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-08T15:10:00

2009-12-08T23:10:54Z

i woke up from being awake.
i really can't sleep anymore.
when i do find time to sleep.
im still awake.

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-06T21:52:00

2009-12-07T05:52:37Z

i miss alaska and boston.

ghost dance; a religious movement incorporated into numerous Native American belief systems.

thank you zombie freak. gonzo. friend.

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-06T06:16:00

2009-12-06T14:16:58Z

to summarize my post from about an hour ago:

fuck all of you.

i have no home anymore.

and its my fault.

i cant be happy.

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-06T05:24:00

2009-12-06T13:24:53Z

its bleak.
i can barely open my eyes anymore.
i thought i liked sleep.
im in a state of half asleep all the time.
but im still bleak.

she said she didnt want to go home.
well, wasnt sure.

im sure.
you're always in my head.
i hate going to bed.
cause you wander into my head.
i wish was dead.
but im scared youll wander into my head.
only this time i cant get up from the bed.

she said she wasnt sure about going home.

she said that she hates home.
well, people back home.

i was looking forward.

im sure.
well, maybe not now.

theres only a week left.
and this cant even hold up.

conversations go well.
and now theyve been reduced to hit and runs.

hows the wolves.
hope is well.
bye.

i miss you.
but to quote you. "i dont know"

but i know,
i feel like shit.

fuck you matt and kim.
youre music makes me sad.
and i envy you.

i wish my kim came back.

its_antarctica @ 2009-12-01T03:31:00

2009-12-01T11:31:46Z

the sun doesnt shine.
cause my babies gone.
the kkk didnt take her away.
but the nights are now too long.
and im done.

its_antarctica @ 2009-11-29T01:24:00

2009-11-29T09:24:58Z

ive grown so ugly.
so dirty.
i used to see these evil hearts in familiar faces.
but now i see it in within me.

its_antarctica @ 2009-11-25T14:14:00

2009-11-25T22:14:07Z

florida, you are stranger.
california, you are stranger.

its_antarctica @ 2009-11-24T21:46:00

2009-11-25T05:46:11Z

the weather is really rough.
and it looks as if its not going to get any better.
i haven't had a good couple of months.
since august.
i thought that december could make that change.
but i realize that it probably can't.
i really just want to die.
but i know i can't.
i'm so tired.
i'm so very tired.

just take me home.
wherever that might be.

its_antarctica @ 2009-11-23T15:20:00

2009-11-23T23:20:29Z

no more dreams.
finished hopes.
but i still miss the gray weather.
i miss those rainy days.
i miss those cloudy skies.
i miss the gray weather.

its_antarctica @ 2009-11-22T13:10:00

2009-11-22T21:10:48Z

Im tired, Gray Weather.

its_antarctica @ 2009-11-21T14:29:00

2009-11-21T22:29:01Z

forget this.
im dropping out.
im going to go drink jack and study up on pulp.
im an asshole but im going to be a dick.
ill be a hardboil detective sooner than you think.

its_antarctica @ 2009-11-17T01:52:00

2009-11-17T09:52:27Z

im a bigger asshole than i thought.
ive become my heroes.
fuck you charles bukowski.
you lethargic prick.

i need to clean up.

its_antarctica @ 2009-11-08T03:05:00

2009-11-08T11:11:17Z

we're all just assholes and bastards.
the pretentious and the pathetic.
we're all one in the same.
all mentally unstable and insane.
fuck you.
the gray weather is gray because we make it that way.

i know im an asshole.

its_antarctica @ 2009-11-03T10:45:00

2009-11-03T18:49:43Z

i still think about her.
and realize ive grown unhappy and so ugly.
im tired.
and in the words daniel plainview,
i'm finished.

nothing seems to make me happy anymore,
but im still trying.
i abide.

its_antarctica @ 2009-10-31T01:34:00

2009-10-31T08:42:17Z

fuck. this.
the gray weather doesnt get better.
till we're back home together.
but by then im torn and weathered.

in the dead of winter my body shivers,
escape to liquor and kill your liver.
theres nothing left to keep you warm,
cause everything is too wet to burn.
damn tears.

its_antarctica @ 2009-10-21T20:07:00

2009-10-22T03:24:38Z

i am physically sick,
twice in the same month.
and i've been trying to be okay.
i've honestly put all i can to be happy.
but at the end of the day i still feel like shit.
im so damn tired.
i need a break.

the weather here is gray.
but its the one thing that makes me happy.
its cold, but comforting.

its_antarctica @ 2009-10-12T16:57:00

2009-10-13T00:00:46Z

i always thought i was a pessimist,
but i seem to romanticize everything.
im depressingly hopeful.

its_antarctica @ 2009-10-06T15:23:00

2009-10-06T22:38:07Z

paper hearts fall apart.

ill probably glue it back up.
or use tape.
but i can only make it nice for so long.

its_antarctica @ 2009-09-22T22:12:00

2009-09-23T05:24:58Z

i must admit, i have faith in humanity because of my friends.
in despair they are able to produce such poetry.
in happiness they are able to express it with imagery.
i find myself living through all your writing.
all your concerns.

but i still distrust myself.
however, ironic as it is, im willing to trust strangers.
of course not the candy brandishing persons in white utility vans,
but the anonymous who writes.

im not really sure how i feel anymore.
i dont want to refer it as a block, or a limbo.
cause then ive fallen victim to cliche.
but then again can we ever escape them.
i guess ill modify my cliche in attempt to avoid it.

im drugged.
no i havent overdosed, ive taken the recommended amount.
but i feel weary.
i didnt take it to experience euphoria or to escape my usual bullshit.
i took it cause i was sick.
even my pharmacy suggests it.
to describe my state of emotion, imagine that feeling after the climax of a painkiller.
not quite painful, but not quite numb.
i guess i described life.
so im just living.
why the fuck have i been bitching?
the fear of being alone?
the fear of failure?
but again, ive addressed the wonders of life.
im just living.
i cant concern myself with these things because then i wont have time to prove them.
of course i cant generalize for everyone.
but ive come to understand, actually come to comfort that idea.
understand is a definitive word, one might perceive it as the right answer.
so ill say comfort.
because we all have different comfort levels.

lifes a bitch, so fuck you.
:)

i am delusional.